Just chillen

So I'm just chillen at Mitchell's tonight--Had school all day and then went to get Mongolian Barbecue. It was excellent. School is going well, I only have 10 more credits for my Associates degree and then I get to attend U of M Flint. I'm excited for not only that, but also for the free gym that comes along with it!! I'm gonna love it!!

Things have been going well--got on mood stabilizers and have started to feel a little better. Plus I'm super excited for March. I get to go on 2 spring breaks AND Brett and I's 4 year anniversary is March 18th (the same day as Mitchell's b-day). Seems like things have been looking up and getting better, so I'm pretty excited about that. Just thought I would come on here and update everyone even though I know its just mom and Jill. Love you guys!!!

Missing my family =(

So tonight I'm missing my family. I miss being young and having my parents together. I miss how close Mitchell and I used to be, before he got all moody. I miss not having any cares in the world, just what I was going to play for the day and what I would wear. I miss getting together during holidays, having gma and lynne there. I fucking wish no one ever had to grow up. I'm so sick of everything. I just want to be happy, and I don't think that's too much to ask, but aparently it is. I just wish things could rewind and I could let everyone know how much they mean to me. I wish I could be done with school w/o having to stess out and go. I wish I could be 35, married, with kids and a career, not 20 and struggling with school and stupid relationships. I just things could be secure, and I don't see that happening for a long time....and I'm so sick of trying to hard in all my relationships wether they be friendships or relationships and never feeling like I'm getting back what I put into the relationship. I just wish I had someone around that understood........I'm going to bed, hopefully tomorrow won't be such a shitty day.....I love you mom and Jill

Decisions Decisions....

So I'm trying to decide what I should do tonight....It would be nice to just stay in and relax, especialy since I just got out of work. But my friend Danielle turned 21 today and they want me to got out with. Normally this woulnd't be a problem, but I work an 11:15 straight tomorrow, and don't want to be BLAH all day ya know? But then I'll feel like a bad friend if I don't go out and celebrate with them. I wish I could get Bretts opinion, but he's still at work...no good. I'll prolly just stay in tonight and buy her a birthday beer some other time. Plus depending on how much money I make tomorrow night, I might go out and have a few drinks. Plus i heard that Wednesday night is supposed to be busy at work--being the day before Thanksgiving and all--so I picked up a shift at 4. But Wednesday is also one of the biggest bar nights, so I would like to do that after I get out of work--fun times!!!


I also just want to let everyone know how great Brett is. I was having a panic attack earlier and we went and layed in bed, he just hugged me tight and let me cry...it was great (well except for the panic attack part, lol). I am just so lucky to have found him, and I thank God everyday for sending him my way. I can't wait until we get engaged and get married and all that good stuff. It's sooooo weird...I wasn't even thinking about marriage when we got together, we didn't think we would last more than a month, and then we could just go back to being best friends. But it turned out even more spectatular--it's just so weird. Love is a funny thing--But damn I love being in love!!!

I guess that's all--Just can't make up my mind (as usual) should I stay home--or go out. I think I'll just stay home, b/c everytime I go out I just wish I was home with Brett. Who knows what I'll do though....<3>

*A Halloween night in*

So tonight is Halloween, Brett and I just stayed in, it was nice. I love just getting a chance to hang out with him, especially since I've been feeling so poopy lately. It's so wierd though, because most of the time when I stay in, I wish I went out, but then once I go out, I wish I was at home. I went to a house party a couple nights ago in Saginaw. It was just like old times, a bunch of underaged kids, dressed up in costume, drinking and having a good time, except the whole time I was there I thought "wow, I'm not even having that much fun, I don't think this is for me anymore" and that is wierd for me. I guess it's time to grow up, or maybe I have grown up....and didn't even realize it. Either way, I'm sure there's a lot of growing up left to do :/ I just can't wait until I'm 35, that will be nice...skip through the school and crappy job and just be done with it all: have my masters, teach college, have a family and good life....oh won't it be nice!!! <3 Well in case you were wondering, yes it will.....it will be wonderful!! haha...sorry just a little day dreaming....


I hope this is still around when I'm 35, I'm sure I'll have a good laugh----love you all!!

Haven't been feeling the greatest emotionally :(

Well the past couple of days I just felt sooooo anxious, like no matter what I'm doing, I just get all panicy about it. Driving to work, thinking about school.....I really think I have an anxiouty disorder, but feel stupid going to the doctors about it. I just....I don't know.....feel so stressed out all the time and worried, its not cool.

I guess on a good note my new job is going okay. It is super stressful and unless I take a zantax before work I usually cry while I'm there. (See thats what I'm talking about above, thats not normal!) But the people I work with are great, they make me laugh and help me out alot, I really appreciate it! Plus the money is great, I made $140 last night and only worked8 hours. Thats not too shabby! But let me tell you, I've never felt like I've earned every penny before. By the time I get out of work my whole body hurts, and I feel like I'm at or near my breaking point. Damn I need to go see a therapist or something, lol, I just want to feel normal and happy again.

Brett and I are doing pretty well, so thats good. I just wish sometimes he would lend me more positive support. But he's great, I can't wait until we get married, hopefully it won't take him forever to ask me, since we've been together for almost 3 years now. But there's no way I would get married before I'm 21, I think you should be able to legally drink at your wedding, if you can't....it's probobly too early, lol.

Well I guess I'll let you go, I really need a journal again, maybe I'll find an online journal and just keep it private, we'll see. I love you guys!!!

A night with Sammy!

Well tonight was a lot of fun, my friend Sam just bought her first house in Flint and I went over to check it out, and to help her paint! I never realized growing up how much knowing how to paint would come in handy, THANKS MOM!! :) She took me out to eat for my help, which was very nice, Sam's a really good friend. She also gave me my Christmas present, which was a gnome, so I am psyched to find a place for it in the apartment. This is my 6th gnome now, I love it!!

Not much has been different, staying busy with school of course. I have to do homework everyday, which isn't bad because it keeps me on my toes, but one night a week would be nice without it. I guess I'll get that when I'm done though, lol. Just a few more years to go!

I finally started my training at Zehnders. Carrying those trays really takes a tole on your body. They can get really heavy sometimes when you're clearing tables, or when they are stacked with food. It will be worth the money though, I just have to remember to strech my lower back and shoulders before I go in, and after I get out. Hopefully that will help my body not feel so soar. I also need to start working out again. That will help with the job, but I'm still a little worried that I will overuse my bad foot and then it will take longer to heal, that would suck! I'll just have to do what I can.


I've also been talking to Tommy on the phone, which always makes me happy. I hate the fact that I'll never be as close with him as I am with Mitchell, and we'll never have the same kind of brother:sister relationship because we are so far apart in age and now in distance. I feel like I never get to see him. :( I guess I just get worried that he's getting the short end of the stick and might never know how much I love him. I have wanted a little brother or sister in my life for soooo long, I have never felt a love like the love I feel for Tommy. I just love watching him grow and learn and become his own person. It's amazing, and everytime I see him it seems like he growing so much! And I just feel like I'm missing out on his life and it sucks!!!

Well I'm going to go, I love you guys!!!

Well tonight I threw my first *Passion Party*. It was a lot of fun, I like when I get a chance to hang out with basically all my friends at once. It was definately nice to see everyone, and we had a great time. Although it was a lot of work getting it together; cleaning the apartment, making sure there was enough seating and rearranging the living room, getting all the food ready, calling everyone. If I do have another, it will be a long time from now, lol.

Things have been going well with school. I had a little problem with group members not doing any work, and having to write the entire paper myself, not fun. I just think it's hard to work as a group when it's an online course, I think I'll just partner with myself. It might be a little more work, but I'm basically doing all the work anyways so I might as well get all the credit for it. I have a test in my math class on monday, I'm going to see a tudor 4 hours before the class starts, I'm just a little confused on this one section. Hmmm....I'll just try to get it on my own this weekend and read my Holocaust book.

Well all in all things are well. I still wish I could see my mom and Tommy more......I hate how far away they are......it's really going to suck if I move to New York. I've never been that far away from everyone in my family, and family is the most important thing in my life. I guess there's no need to worry about that now, I'll just worry about it then. Well I'm going to go, Manda is staying another night and she needs me to be a good friend, I need to listen to her vent right now. I love you guys!!

<3